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When Your Worth is Circumstantial

My Friends,

Have you ever felt like you would be good enough once you: lost the weight, graduated from college, got your dream job, had a thriving dating life, made a certain amount of money, etc.?

Once you have this thing, then you will be worthy. Then other people will admire you. Then you will be proud of yourself. Then you will love yourself. These are stories we all tell ourselves. And let me tell you from personal experience, they are lies.

A year ago I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I had been coping with a lot of inner pain through emotional eating and had gained 40 pounds. I hated my body. I no longer enjoyed shopping for clothes because I felt so discouraged when my normal sizes didn’t fit on me in the dressing room. “Who is this girl?” I thought to myself one day as I was looking in the mirror. “I can’t believe I let myself get like this. I obviously have no self-control. Ugh. I need to lose this weight ASAP."

Due to thinking that a thinner body would magically make me happy, I made a goal to lose 40 pounds in 5 months, just in time for the new school year to start.

So I busted. my. butt.

I worked out for over 2 hours every day at the gym and wouldn’t leave until I had burned at least 1,000 calories. Every gym session started out with me attending a spin class because I figured out that’s how I could burn the most calories in one hour.

I meal prepped all my food so that it fit perfectly into my daily calorie goal. I loved seeing the calorie deficit the My Fitness Pal app showed me every day.

It was an obsession. And it was exhausting.

While I was on my weight loss journey I imagined how much I would love my body when I finally lost the weight. It didn't matter that I hated my body now, when I would see that lower number on the scale I believed all my hate would magically melt away.

I did it. I lost the 40 pounds by my goal date.

But I quickly realized that I still didn’t think my body was good enough. There was still so much more to work on.

As I continued to criticize my body, my heart broke.

I was tired of feeling inadequate. I was tired of not feeling good enough. I was tired of shaming my body. I was tired of the fight.

All I ever wanted to feel was good enough. I thought having a thinner body would make me feel worthy, but it didn't.

If you think you will be more worthy once your circumstances change here are two truths I want to share with you:

1. You won’t magically feel worthy if you change yourself from a place of unworthiness. The painful reality is that it is so easy to think that you will be worthy once you change something about yourself. But if you try to change yourself from a place of unworthiness you will still feel unworthy even if your circumstances change. Feelings of worthiness grow from the inside out. You are 100% worthy now, but you have to choose to believe thoughts that support that truth.

2. The best and only way to feel enough is to think you are NOW regardless of your circumstances. What do you need to do to be worthy? Believe that you can never be more worthy than you are now. Please please please know your worth is not circumstantial. YOU decide how you feel about you. You don’t need to change anything to feel the way you want to feel about yourself.

An ending note--I believe an essential aspect to a meaningful life is self-improvement! It can be so fulfilling to improve and grow. But you will not enjoy your growth if you hate yourself to get there. If you want to lose weight, lose the weight! If you want the dream job, go after the dream job! If you want a thriving dating life, put the effort in! But do it from a place of worthiness. Love yourself to weight loss. Love yourself to your dream job. Love yourself to thriving dating life. I promise you it will make the journey and the destination so much sweeter.

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